I usually get about 3-4 spam messages in my GMail inbox and about 600-700 in my Yahoo inbox per week. Since these hard-working citizens of somewhere spend entire days typing up messages in order to earn their “cut”, I have randomly picked some from my spam folders for analysis. I will try to minimize references to chimpanzees as much as possible.
From: Arcelia Rosio <muu18wtp@seanet.com>
Subject: YOU SAD BECAUSE HAVING A SMALL-SIZE GUN? GROW BIG NOW
Body:
goes side disappoint shining. drew the allow, am we window light,
again development fly evening or being, use miserable prison friends whom. end principle drew,
being human edge again she use. beautiful thats principle? he evening reference.
young prison parents beautiful. make use next. night human he letters.
miserable letters allow. profession already similar light?
This is one of those that totally baffle me. The first and only thing that comes to my mind after reading this is “WTF?” The message has absolutely no context and the body seems like it was written by some retarded chimpanzee attending kindergarten.
From: “Casey Gregg” jei@mail.ru
Subject: Re: Invoice # 42517D
Body: burdock a buried be be miles it’s may atone ! some grandiose ! it’s city see or antarctica it see junta somebe adams the.
or caine , be innocent see in blowfish may it’s electrophorus ! the grout the in amulet a some corrigendum somemay journal some. No, so its here
Another other one of those retarded chimpanzees. This guy looks like he gets a Z- on his report card for organization. His subject line says “Invoice” but the body seems like the most exotic Haiku ever written.
From: “expectsuccess@hotmail.com“ expectsuccess@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Hi
Body:
Update on the program!
Things are exploding!
I can’t believe how fast this is building.
People are coming in faster than we can get them in! What a great problem to have!!!
…
Work with the Top Couple in the Industry.
Let us help get you into success for your family now.DON’T MISS THIS ONE! We are RED HOT and ROLLING RIGHT NOW!!!
To your success,
Quincy and Tamaran
This email was so long, it seemed like it was composed by an entire army of chimpanzees while they were doing overtime. Seeing those names, “Quincy and Tamaran” set off my bullshit detectors. “People are coming in faster than we can get them in! What a great problem to have!!!” Since when is this problem great? If I get random people coming into my house I wouldn’t exactly call that “great problem to have.” Most retarded statement ever. Coming from chimpanzees, it’s not that surprising.
From: “Banana Deals” ss@ytcoffers.com
Subject: Give Love a Chance
Body: Are you Looking for Someone Special?Click Here Now:
Give Love a Chance.
Join the 1,800,000 new members waiting to meet you!
Come and Find them!
Click Here Now:
Why the hell would anyone sign up for a dating service called “Banana Deals”? How cool does it sound to tell all your friends, “We met on Banana Deals!!” Only a chimpanzee would be proud of that. And why exactly would 1,800,000 members wait around to meet me? Can’t they pair up between themselves? Don’t these losers have somewhere else to go? Why does this service assume I don’t mind dating men or women? This email is what I call a marketing tragedy.
From: “Michelle” info@degtin.com
Subject: about Christmas
Body:
It’s only 10 weeks until
Christmas. Yikes!If you start now, you can make
a nice sleighful of cash just
in time to give your loved ones a
very special holiday this year.
First thought: who the hell plans ahead 10 weeks to buy Christmas gifts?? Isn’t that pushing the expectations a bit? How can someone get all flustered because, oh, there are TEN weeks left? Give me a break, takes a week or so to go shopping for everyone you know unless your friends list contains the names, “chimpanzee 36″ and “that cute chimp at the zoo!! lol lol”.
From: “Motorola iTunes” Linda235@ezemails.info
Subject: DO YOU WANT A FREE IPOD CELL PHONE ????
Body: Get your free Motorola itunes cell phone!
Just type in your zip code!
Only chimpanzees would hope that typing in their zip code in some random textbox hosted on a website underwater would earn them a free cell phone for their effort. What the hell would they do with the zip codes anyway? Oh right, get chimpanzees to toss (“deliver”) their presents to you. For some reason only breast enlargement coupons get to you. Various DNA samples are required for the free cell phone offer (in addition to your address, phone number, etc.) Newsflash: No one will ever deliver a free cell phone even if you’re a chimp.
From: “Paul Foley” nqexuahyf@abcautosf.com
Subject: HELLO
Body:
+ DIAAF***DIAAF***DIAAF***DIAAF***DIAAF***DIAAF ++++++++++++NEW FEATURED COMPANY++++++++++++
DIAMANT FILMS (OTCBB: DIAAF)
CURRENTLY: $0.009
RECENTLY: $0.05
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This chimpanzee has the most obscure eye defect I have ever come across in my life. Can’t even find ONE key on the keyboard. I believe that a picture truly justifies my thoughts:
From: “Paul Drummond” mail@builditsolid.com
Subject: rantdepot2, this is Paul, I have put 54 people below you!
Body:
* Are you sick of getting SPAM AND VIRUSES?
* Do you like sending email?
* Do you like making money?
* Do you want to earn up to $20,000 per week?
* Would you like all your emails to be sent with SSL security?
This chimpanzee suffers from the double-think syndrome which only affects 99.9% of all chimpanzees on the planet. Firstly, the email claims that “Are you sick of spam? If so, we’ll get you a secure email account.” Looking closely, you realize that the email account being offered is meant to send OUT spam securely. Smart chimp. Must be a straight A student.
From: “ThirtyPlusSingles” offers@emailworkz.biz
Subject: Are you over 30 and single? Let us match you.
Body:
Over 30? Meet your match! This offer is not for 20 somethings!
If you are over 30 and single and you are looking to find a ‘match’ online, I swear you have some serious issues with the hair gel you use and your teeth. I say steal a new car, sell it to buy some new clothes (you never want to get caught with stolen money, but technically money obtained by selling the car is yours – Ethics 101), get a gym membership, adopt a dog, and join Toastmasters to sharpen your public speaking skills. If this process takes more than 10 years, take Maddox’s advice and commit suicide. Alternatively, frequent bars and pubs within a 10km radius to meet someone. If those girls aren’t your type, no one is, and I strongly recommend you declare yourself null and void: you’ve officially given up on life and need to join your local church.
That ends my analysis. Repeatedly clicking on the “Empty Spam” link makes me wonder how long my left-mouse button will last.
Ой как мне понравилося!