Ellie writes an advice column for “Life” section of the Toronto Star, which is fairly inappropriate because it clearly belongs in the humour section.

Here’s what the Star’s website has to say about Ellie, “Ellie brings a unique voice – smart, funny, compassionate and practical – to the advice scene, combining insight and life experience with solid research skills and information on local resources.”

It doesn’t matter how I stumbled upon that website. After reading that, I just had to verify how unique she really is.

First thing I notice is that she generally recommends counselling for almost everyone who writes to her. I mean, counselling is pretty cool. You get to sit around and rant about your life and a paid professional has to smile and nod and pay attention. Seems like a pretty depressing career though, you get to work and little kids, students, adults, horses, and chickens have you booked through the entire day so they can speak their mind out about the bully, the exams, the abnormal significant other, obese riders, and missing eggs.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it does help those who need it. But it’s so much fun to look at things from an outside perspective when you don’t need it. “Oh! Look at that guy sulking listening to his iPod! Must be on his way to Needles Hall.”

Back on topic, I had to collect samples in order to prove my point. So I spent a few hours reading up on all posted articles (which was generously compensated by an employer who refuses to be mentioned).

Here are some of my observations presented in a condensed QA format:

Q: Ellie, what’s the most efficient way to commit suicide?
A: Just like internal combustion engines, a suicide attempt can never be more than 40% efficient. Don’t bother, get some counselling instead. Check your local yellow pages.

Q: Ellie, I got married. He’s wonderful. But his uncle…
A: Shit like that happens all the time. Get some counselling to get tips on how to send a thank you note and deal with such unfortunate incidents in the future.

Q: Ellie, my boss never shows up to work, never answers his phone and email, and…
A: In life, communication is key. Get some counselling in order to analyze what your feelings of resentment represent.

Q: Ellie, my husband of 16 years has never cheated on me. But I still fear he’s going to sleep with someone else!
A: Jealousy is healthy in a relationship. You have all right to monitor the movements of your husband and hire a private investigator. “Seeing a counsellor is wise.”

Q: Ellie, I got pimples and no girl will date me.
A: Counselling can you help you discover the beautiful you.

Q: Ellie, I…
A: Counselling.

What a waste of column space.