Sometimes, I fell the compulsion to pick up the phone and dial 1-888-ROGERS-1. This happens when our internet or the cable TV service is down, which is pretty much every other day.

Unlike the previous switchboard system where you could simply key in 1-1-2-5 to get to the English speaking customer service representative for Rogers High-Speed Internet, I am expected to get my voice recognized by the retarded unnamed automated assistant (RUAA). Here’s how a typical conversation goes between me and the RUAA:

Welcome to Rogers, pour service en francais, francais. For service in any other language, please press the square root of pi in order to bring up the available list of languages.

So, how can I help you today? You can say things like High Speed Internet, Cable TV, Back Pain, Sore Throat, or A Leaking Bladder.
“Cable TV”

Okay, so now we’re at the cable TV main menu. What can I do for you today? You can say things like: billing, payments, DNA samples, terrorism, or simply yell into the phone with an accent and a representative will get to you immediately!
“Billing and Payments”

In order to proceed, I am going to need your phone number.
“5-1-9…”

Please hold, and a representative will be with you shortly.

Five minutes later,

Thank you for continuing to hold, we apologize for the delay, please hold and someone will return from their coffee break to assist you.

They put me on hold for over 20 minutes. That’s only on a good day, you know, a day when the sun rises at 6 am and there’s absolutely no rain, no clouds, no stabbings, and no one jumps off a building. While they make me wait, they play some “music” to help keep my mind occupied. “Music” is a bit of misnomer here, because the best way to describe the gibberish I hear out of the ear piece is some 70s or 80s pop nonsense that sounds like the sound track to a game of pong. I feel like I’m being served with Stupid, with a side order of Insanity and a bonus Test of Patience. Way too many beeps. I’ve been more impressed by kittens jumping around on a piano after being awakened by the sound of a sledgehammer drilling into my phone.

What’s even more annoying is that after the pong music played on loop, you get to a representative who then asks, “Could I please get your phone number so I could pull up your profile?”

But I already yelled it in! The RUAA recognized every digit of it! Don’t you trust him? I whine and I say the number anyway, “5-1-9…”

Obviously, the first representative I get to speak to is incompetent because all he asks you to do is make sure everything is plugged in and switched on. I call it the sanity test, which I’ve yet to fail. Five minutes later, “Please wait while I transfer you to another agent who will be more than happy to assist you”.

The other agent always seem to have some understanding of what is going on. This is where I read out the printed list of complaints, in multiple 8-hour shifts. A few weeks later, the agent’s ears are bleeding and I have a sip of water to lubricate my dry throat. They calm my nerves by giving me a discount and acknowledging the fact that the service does have a few “issues”, which they are constantly working on.

Yelling seems to work pretty well. It gets you prompt service and discounts. Not to mention, you are treated with respect and are looked upon as a person with class. Not yelling at the service is selling yourself short. That’s key here, don’t yell at the representatives because they can do dangerous things such as sign you up for a beastiality subscription that costs $99/month. The key is to yell at the service being offered. The internet is crap. The TV cable is crap. The splitters installed in my room are crap. I don’t like the stickers on my cable modem. Etcetera. But you representatives are the best, you should be knighted.

You follow those rules and you get quick turnaround times. There have been at least two instances when I called Rogers on a Saturday night just to have a guy sent out the following afternoon on a Sunday. Remember, yelling is an art, and you can only learn it from me.