I feel these pictures justify my emotions better than a rusty screw driver drilled through the spleen of the chimp sending me such advertising ever could:

1. First up, is the fantastic Lavalife advertisement that adorns almost every conversation one could have using the bloated 27 MB program they call “Windows Live Messenger” which is basically a gaming station, with the ability to upload profiles, read your news, and check the latest prices of your stocks. Oh, and you can chat with it too.

At first glance, 50% of the population wouldn’t find anything wrong with this. Except, I belong to the other 50% and find it very disturbing that the only way for me to hook up online is by finding a single guy. Besides, how exactly is that good news? More single men than anyone else in Canada only means more competition. It’ll even deter the ladies away from this; who wants a bunch of desperate slobbering idiots sending them “woos” and “nudges” every two seconds?

2. They say the power of persistence and focus can trump even the fastest cars and a jet fighter, combined. But look at this, in order to get me to shop “on them”, I receive exactly eight messages from Shopping Time. These emails are identical, right down to the fingerprint of the chimp who typed it all up.

And the madness doesn’t stop there. This was looking worse than my worst nightmare when I hit the next page link…

There it is! Seven more times. Apparently, research has shown that sending 15 emails will grant you whatever you want in life, tax free.

On careful observation, it can also be seen that the infamous Bank of China has sent me a message too! So basically, these spammers are suggesting (in order): I take a loan from the Bank of China, shop on the “Shopping Time” website because they’ve asked me to 15 times over, and then, “change the way I spend my money”. Which is conveniently followed by a warning by Luella Poole. Finally, spam that makes sense.