I randomly messaged a whole bunch of people asking them what their dream job is. I do this stuff all the time, except this time around, I asked a question which is safe enough to publish such that it results in no embarrassment if a future employer were to stumble upon this piece of fine writing.
The responses are sorted by a criterion I choose not to mention. Precautions like these protect your kids and disinfect the internet in general. Names have been obfuscated in cases where I received “donations” and/or “services”. I have minimized references to hamsters in order to protect the species against alcohol abuse.
I would also like to add the fact that these statements have been quoted in their vanilla, unmodified form. Spelling and grammar Nazis, rejoice! Today is your day.

Random Girl:

ohh lol i dont know…

No one knows what job they want to do. But everyone knows one thing: it’s all about the money.

Random Girl:

hmmmmmmm…. to be a stripper.. lol
ummm.. let me think for a sec
my dream job would be a vet .. i love animals
but a specialist ..they make more money ..lol

This was an interesting response. First, she considers being a stripper which would mean 100-200 bucks an hour from the dripping and salivating customers. Then, she reconsiders, and settles for a vet which will also give you the same money, but requires you to serve dripping and salivating dogs. Good compromise, I say.

Random Guy:

nhl player i guess.. if i was a different person or i think a very high executve, CTO type thing for an awesome tech firm

Fairly similar choices there; Surely, a coin toss would solve this in a jiffy.

Random Girl:

ummm….educating children about environmental issues

actually, not just kids, adults too. too many ignorant people out there. it’s not that they don’t care, they just don’t know any better.

Environmentally friendly girl. Tress hug her as she drives by. We got enough people like that. No, really, look at all the people using their hamsters to generate power for their LEDs, and all those e-books! Surely, someone cares about clean power and paper wastage.

Random Guy:

working with people who are anxious sunday nights, love monday mornings, and are sad to leave friday night

At first, this sounds like he wants to be a drug dealer. But wait! He clarifies:

i dunno….something where i’m helping people do something meaningful…

Charity guy. This planet needs people like that. You have my hamster’s unconditional and unrequited support! He will generate power for all your LEDs.

Random Girl:

I wish I knew. I used to think I knew, but then I realised I didn’t, so now I’m trying to decide again. It’s kind of scary. What’s yours?

In the book 1984, they called this phenomenon, “double-think”. I will extend that idea to incorporate a new term into the English language (US only; Brits are unaffected because they’re too busy watching Top Gear and reading Harry Potter):

con·fuzzled-doubled: ( cun-fuzzled dub-ulled)
adj.

1. Being a Liberal Arts major
2. 1. You think you knew, but you don’t: a confuzzled-doubled guy.
   2. You think you knew what you thought you knew, but forgot to write it down, and realized that you need to know more than what you previously knew to make your life better: He is confuzzled-doubled.

As for my dream job? I am not answering.

Random Guy:

Something artsy. Like visual artsy.

I clarified what he meant by, “visual artsy”. My first guess was, he wants a job where you stare at paintings all day. He responded, “Not quite.” I’m not even going to go there.

Random Guy:

Him: selfemployment, living off interest.
Me: So basically, doing nothing?
Him: there are more strategic ways of saying it, but you can say that.

Ah, someone wants the best job on this planet: doing nothing! I was expecting more answers along these lines, but people watch too much TV anyway and figured more TV is bad for your health, your hamster, and the internet in general.

Random Guy:

CEO of a big corporation

This guy wants to be a CEO. The previous guy wants to be a CTO. One works for the other, then they swap positions and make the hamster turn the wheel the other way.

Random Guy:

someplace where my thoughts an ideas can be taken and playes with and produced something. like a designer. a well paid one.

Another one these artsy guys. Go away! We have too many of you photographing scantily clad ladies and publishing those photos in magazines. I need a job like that, so please stop competing.

Conclusions? Everyone wants money and everyone wants to be higher up to boss others around. I never claimed the results of this survey were going to be profound and worth publishing on the Discovery Channel.

Honourable mention:

Pimp.