Here is a comprehensive list of movies I have meticulously summarized in a few lines for your reading pleasure.

1. Signs

…featuring Mel Gibson and the jumpy, retarded Alien.
Because Aliens who weren’t in the Mental Asylum had bigger, better things to do.

Here’s what critiques had to say about this one:
“Mind boggling!” ~ Bribed lobbyist with IQ of -25
“Absolutely out of this world!” ~ 13 year old who won a free ticket
“Chilling!” ~ Iceman from Alaska

2. The Aristocrats

One joke. Twenty minutes of laughter. Two hours of pain. I’d rather read the scribbles on the wash room stalls than sit through this one again.

3. Batman Begins

“How does one man change the world?”

He can’t. Unless he is a billionaire, with years of training in martial arts can afford a custom car.

4. Office Space

A bright red stapler and an annoying boss are the highlights of this movie. I’ve been more entertained watching the “smash the monkey” banners on websites.

5. The Matrix

All right, so this is a great movie. I have nothing negative to add. Except, the fact that Agent Smith could’ve kicked Neo’s ass in real life. And the fact that why the hell does real life suck so much worse than the Matrix? And why do these idiots trust the Oracle? Why doesn’t the frenchman…. bah, forget it. It’s a fantastic movie.

6. The Bourne Identity/Supremacy

Oops, I don’t remember what these movies were like. I walked out amnesiac. I can’t even remember who acted in these movies. I say, forget about it, and check out the books instead.

Disclaimer: I have not read the books. Someone please read them and summarize.

7. Mission Impossible 3

It’s an impossible mission, why bother watching the movie? Tom Cruise jumps around, blows up a Lamborghini, and gets married. Sounds like a chick flick to me.

Note that some of these movies are so crappy, they are not even worth summarizing: Ken Park, Titanic, Dumb & Dumber, and 10 Things I hate about you.