Baked Eggplant – Skin eggplants using electric shaver. Lay them out on a newspaper and place in direct sunlight for 14 days.

Rice – Add one cup of rice to six litres of boiling water. Forget about it overnight. Tastes great the next morning!

Pasta – Add one cup of pasta to four litres of boiling milk. Do not spit in mixture. Drain pasta, and add four fresh litres of boiling milk. Repeat three times. Serve with Dijon mustard.

Canadian Fries – I’ve heard the ones from France are stuck on a ship for several months. I recommend Canadian Fries instead. Add two litres of boiling oil to a pack of whole potatoes and forget about it overnight. Have it for dinner the following evening with some more raw potatoes. Serves 2.4 people.

Soupey Soup – Place several Staedler erasers and microfibre cloth in three litres of boiling water. Add your favourite fruits including green apples (unpeeled), peaches, and strawberries. Add salt for taste. Garnish with pencil shavings.

Lasagna – Prepare lasagna noodles as expected for typical pasta. Lasagna should have minimum five layers. All layers must have following mixture: 1 cup of cream cheese combined with 1 cup orange juice. Add whole onions (sliced) and avocados (diced with a chainsaw). Do not forget to use newspaper to ensure layers don’t stick to each other.

Emergency Eggs – Place raw eggs, salted and uncracked, wrapped in aluminum foil and place on an automobile engine. Drive around for three hours. Caution: Contents may be hot.