I’m the tall and skinny guy often seen jumping over trains and fighting bullies.I have superb computing skills including: left click, right click, scroll wheel, and the delete key. I write award-winning articles for the Globe & Stale and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I prepare instant noodles within 20 seconds.

Using only a tea spoon and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. While on vacation in Ottawa, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics are known to change at my convenience.

SUV drivers should go fight in Iraq. My bills are all paid. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin all while chilling in Ontario. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis multiple times. I am the subject of numerous documentaries which never make it on TV. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges and fling tennis racquets and other random projectiles at moving objects with deadly accuracy. I enjoy laughing. On Wednesdays, after school, I eBay chunks of Canada to Martians.

I love cats but have none. I am obsessed with my electronic gadgets. I cook when I’m hungry and clean while I wait for my food to cook. When I’m feeling romantic, I play Yankee Doodle on my acoustic guitar.

I am never late. Everyone is just too early. Some people say I’m full of myself and conceited. Oh well.

The world revolves around me. I cause tidal waves every time I drive by a beach. If I weren’t me, I’d wish I was me. I am very proud of my career. During my work terms, I make a difference in this world. Every spreadsheet and every report I churn out saves a life somewhere. I answer phone calls, respond to emails, send out faxes, and photocopy documents. Since my duties require such high levels of responsibility, I am constantly stressed. To let off steam during the weekends, I have been known to carefully position flies on double-knife guillotines and jam them into my DVD tray. If I make a funny comment, someone somewhere dislodges their lung due to laughter.

And those are just some of the significant experiences that define me as a person.