These are the hairy guys who smell and are too busy looking for women who can cook.
Let me clarify. I was at this bar once probing a girl who is totally not my type. It was her birthday, I’m just being nice. Somehow, the topic of cooking came up. Now, I get dangerously enthusiastic when it comes to sharing my passion for cooking and the experiences that go with it (my roommates know this). So I ask her if she’s into cooking at all.
What a bloody mistake.
She totally loses it. Must be the alcohol. I’ll fast forward to the meaty part of the conversation, “I don’t believe in any stereotypes, but brown guys only want a wife who can cook, clean, and take care of their children!”.
And she expected the four of us to agree with her. As if every male with brown skin is branded with genes that require us to hunt down a slave for life while we’re too busy being hairy and smelly. To top it off, she’s brown herself. What a presumptuous bitch.
My experiment with garlic cloves went really well. Basically, garlic offers instant relief to cold symptoms, especially in the early stages, and is very effective in keeping you symptom free.
After two days of regular clove ingestion in the mornings and evenings, I got lazy and skipped the mornings. The symptoms came back a day later and I thought I was going to empty a box of tissues (just like the old days). That was not a good idea – I should’ve kept it up for an entire week to completely obliterate any trace of the virus from my respiratory system.
I’ve also found it much more effective when the garlic is chopped and not consumed with other foods to mask the strong flavour. I chew it slowly and gently until I just feel the burn. Even though it is very obvious, I’ll state that good sleep is paramount and helps keep your immune system in good shape. By good sleep, I don’t mean staying up until 5am and waking up at noon. Good sleep = follow a schedule.
The benefits are obvious – I never felt weak or disabled the entire time. I went to class, went to the gym, and even got away with no one noticing (or commenting) on my garlicky aura.
A few things I’ve learned with regards to masking your garlicky breath:
Breath mints (Listerine and others) don’t work – the effect is very temporary
Red wine does a great job
I didn’t want to try chewing gum – it’d be like chewing garlic all over again
This is a two-piece article on how effective garlic can be when you are about to catch on a cold (or to prevent one altogether).
For a while now I’ve been recommending random people to chew on garlic cloves in order to beat common cold – but what good is advice if you don’t follow it yourself? Since, I woke up this morning feeling the onset of a cold, I have decided to conduct an experiment on myself.
First, a little background about me. I simply cannot remember the last time I was out of commission due to the common cold. Also, I usually suffer for 7-10 days and then I’m fine for many months (I probably catch a cold twice a year). Lastly, I pretty much never take any medication at all (not even Tylenol/Aspirin). Ever.
As soon as I woke up this morning feeling like shit, I knew exactly what I had to do–Google for help. I found this paper, and several articles referencing the magic chemical, “allicin.” I found this research Nobel-prize worthy and went straight to the kitchen and grabbed my Chef’s knife with a red handle and got to work.
To help prevent or lessen the severity and symptoms of a cold, eat two cloves of raw garlic at the onset of symptoms.
Chopping or mashing garlic releases the herb’s full potential as the active component, allicin, forms only on contact with air.
For some reason, there are a lot of people that believe that Vitamin C does the trick. Apparently not:
Large doses of vitamin C–2,000 mg daily in four divided doses–during the weeks prior to catching a cold may lessen the severity of the symptoms, but controversy reigns over whether vitamin G can actually shorten the duration of a cold.
So, that’s exactly what I do. I slice up the biggest clove I could find (I swear it was the size of two) and serve myself a cup of Orange Juice while I let the active component work it’s magic with air. On the above page, it is also recommended to, “avoid chewing to prevent garlic breath,” and to, “put garlic in applesauce or mix with honey” for a less intense flavour. I decided to be a man and just chew on it as-is.
As soon as I start chewing on the first slice – there’s a problem. This is absolutely disastrous. Never in my life would I have thought that garlic has such an intense flavour. My mouth is literally burning and I quickly chug some OJ for quick relief. But, in the interest of science, the experiment must go on! I decide to mash up the remaining slices and start eating them in small batches, with sips of OJ right after. About eight or so minutes later, I’m done! I feel much better now – my nasal cavities have cleared completely (though my hearing still feels a bit dulled).
Everything tastes pretty bad right after the clove ingestion. I’m pretty sure the entire kitchen stinks of garlic and I’m just used to it now. It’s a good thing I decided to do this before my shower. I plan on continuing this experiment for the next six days (one clove in the mornings and one before bedtime for a super-sexy garlicy bed) and reporting the outcome.
I’ll cut to the chase here: 3B was horrible, but a lot of fun. I hated it, but it was awesome. It was painful, but it rocked. My conflicting feelings are a symptom of neuroscientific surgery I underwent during the term to maintain my ability to drink beer, borrow assignments, get my clone to write my exams, and other stressful activities.
1. ME380 – Nuts, dominoes, and lectures you really didn’t need to attended (Design Workshop)
This was a design course. Which was awesome because there were no midterm or a final exam to worry about. We also had a *girl* in our group (you know, one of those who belong to the “other” kind). We sipped coffee, hung out on Sundays for breakfast, and had random lunches in the plaza right outside our campus. Oh, and we also managed to make this guy (for the final project):
It cost four people about 140 non-sleeping hours to get that done over the span of six weeks. Oh, and lots of coffee too. This was one expensive project, I tell ya.
My grade: Power user
Course grade: 12 hex nuts and a domino
2. MTE322 – Motors, sliding doors, bullshit, and more bullshit (Electromechanical Something Something)
Having the word “electromechanical” in a course title doesn’t excite me anymore. Bullshit was delivered to us in the truckloads with absolutely no delays in scheduling. It was like over-caffeinated, newly hired Fed Ex employees working overtime for Nonsense Information Corp. (NIC (c) 2007-2007, patents pending). To be honest, I must’ve attended a handful of lectures, so I had no clue what happened in the others. All I remember is a really happy TA who wouldn’t say a word without a chuckle, a prof who looks like he was beamed straight out of the 80s, and that thinking about lunch when the prof rambles away about screws is actually a way to keep your brain from being bombed back to the stone age.
My grade: Bullshit
Course grade: zeta- and a 0.3 hp AC induction motor, connected to a rack and pinion setup that’ll never work
3. MTE360 – Try Controlling This Course (Controls Engineering)
Laplace, PI, PD, PID, Lead, Lag, Notch, and a little servo that did exciting stuff like move forward and backward when we spent hours manipulating algebriac laplace-fused expressions, and tinkering with MATLAB/Simulink.
This prof was so amazing, I didn’t understand a word he said in class! The labs were crazy, but I had no idea what I was doing! The homework was hard, and I really had no idea where to start! It all made sense a few days before the final exam. Some of it seems useful.
My grade: I passed?!? omfg!
Course grade: Bandwidth of 20kHz
4. PSYCH 323R – How to Fix People With Broken Brains (Psychopathology)
Well, not really fix, but more like diagnose, understand what they go through, why they dance and howl like sissies when they see an action figure, and other relevant stuff. We also learned that anorexia should never be regarded as sexy, there’s an explanation to the schizophrenic lifestyle, and that if you scratch your nose and the clock strikes noon, chances are it will be categorized as a psychopathological disorder.
My grade: Would’ve been more if I weren’t obsessed about a random girl
Course grade: A-
5. MSci 261 – “Present Worth Calculation for Dummies – Now, A Second Year Course for Engineers And Retards!” (Management Science)
The title summarizes everything we learned in this course. We also learned that profs can actually be really really boring and the ability to speak for over half an hour on ONE powerpoint slide is a skill most of us don’t have and won’t even bother learning. I also never understood the concept of “equivalent annual cost” – I mean, if it’s more beneficial for me to hang on to my existing heap of junk car where the door falls off everytime you make a right turn for six more years, considering I have all the money for a new one right now, why the hell wouldn’t I dial 1-888-SHREDDER and buy my new car right away?
Some other productive things I did in this class:
Show off my music collection
Check my email
Check email again, in case I missed something in the previous refresh
Check facebook
“OMG! She’s cute, let’s go through her profile.”
My grade: Same as everyone else’s
Course grade: Present Worth = Future Worth = -1; causes brain degradation and tumours of the eye sockets.
6. ME351 – “*clears throat* So, I show you *clears throat* video now okay” (Fluids)
This was an introductory course in fluids where we learned a million formulas that only worked under certain conditions replicable in extremely realistic scenarios such as textbook examples and computer simulations. We now know what a venturi tube does, and that a lot of calculations depend on the infamous “Moody’s Chart” which was crafted back in the 60s (I think).
My grade: Six litres of compressed gas in your water bottle – turbulent flow conditions
Course grade: B+
That was the end of 3B. Final statistics have been summarized below, for convenience and redundancy:
Overall grade: Just as bad as the ones before, except 3A because that was just messed
Term grade: Impossible, unless you’re already in Engineering
Girls haggled and facestalked: 4
Other observations:
I can’t get into the Bomber on Wednesdays, the lineup is too long
Lots of hotties in Applied Health Sciences
Facebook rocks
Lots of hotties in Laurier, but they throw up all the time and need a ride home
I wouldn’t bother with any Engineering program unless it’s Mechatronics
Since my quotes page has received so much love and is growing out of control, I have decided to create a new blog that strictly caters to snippets of MSN conversations between my friends and I.
Baked Eggplant – Skin eggplants using electric shaver. Lay them out on a newspaper and place in direct sunlight for 14 days.
Rice – Add one cup of rice to six litres of boiling water. Forget about it overnight. Tastes great the next morning!
Pasta – Add one cup of pasta to four litres of boiling milk. Do not spit in mixture. Drain pasta, and add four fresh litres of boiling milk. Repeat three times. Serve with Dijon mustard.
Canadian Fries – I’ve heard the ones from France are stuck on a ship for several months. I recommend Canadian Fries instead. Add two litres of boiling oil to a pack of whole potatoes and forget about it overnight. Have it for dinner the following evening with some more raw potatoes. Serves 2.4 people.
Soupey Soup – Place several Staedler erasers and microfibre cloth in three litres of boiling water. Add your favourite fruits including green apples (unpeeled), peaches, and strawberries. Add salt for taste. Garnish with pencil shavings.
Lasagna – Prepare lasagna noodles as expected for typical pasta. Lasagna should have minimum five layers. All layers must have following mixture: 1 cup of cream cheese combined with 1 cup orange juice. Add whole onions (sliced) and avocados (diced with a chainsaw). Do not forget to use newspaper to ensure layers don’t stick to each other.
Emergency Eggs – Place raw eggs, salted and uncracked, wrapped in aluminum foil and place on an automobile engine. Drive around for three hours. Caution: Contents may be hot.
Here is a comprehensive list of movies I have meticulously summarized in a few lines for your reading pleasure.
1. Signs
…featuring Mel Gibson and the jumpy, retarded Alien.
Because Aliens who weren’t in the Mental Asylum had bigger, better things to do.
Here’s what critiques had to say about this one:
“Mind boggling!” ~ Bribed lobbyist with IQ of -25
“Absolutely out of this world!” ~ 13 year old who won a free ticket
“Chilling!” ~ Iceman from Alaska
2. The Aristocrats
One joke. Twenty minutes of laughter. Two hours of pain. I’d rather read the scribbles on the wash room stalls than sit through this one again.
3. Batman Begins
“How does one man change the world?”
He can’t. Unless he is a billionaire, with years of training in martial arts can afford a custom car.
4. Office Space
A bright red stapler and an annoying boss are the highlights of this movie. I’ve been more entertained watching the “smash the monkey” banners on websites.
5. The Matrix
All right, so this is a great movie. I have nothing negative to add. Except, the fact that Agent Smith could’ve kicked Neo’s ass in real life. And the fact that why the hell does real life suck so much worse than the Matrix? And why do these idiots trust the Oracle? Why doesn’t the frenchman…. bah, forget it. It’s a fantastic movie.
6. The Bourne Identity/Supremacy
Oops, I don’t remember what these movies were like. I walked out amnesiac. I can’t even remember who acted in these movies. I say, forget about it, and check out the books instead.
Disclaimer: I have not read the books. Someone please read them and summarize.
7. Mission Impossible 3
It’s an impossible mission, why bother watching the movie? Tom Cruise jumps around, blows up a Lamborghini, and gets married. Sounds like a chick flick to me.
Note that some of these movies are so crappy, they are not even worth summarizing: Ken Park, Titanic, Dumb & Dumber, and 10 Things I hate about you.
In true engineering fashion, I will prove this statement by example. In fact, to make the proof very convincing, I will use two examples.
Scenario #1: Learning too much.
The person who learns too much is the sucker at any workplace. Your boss expresses a desire for a new database and obviously, the most intelligent guy in the department gets the honours of designing it from scratch and “leading” a development team. I use the term leading very loosely here, because in this context, it’s more like “doing all the work and then negotiating who should be credited for all that work.” The inactive developer writes three lines of code, does no overtime, goes home happy, and overall comes out on top.
Conclusion: Never admit you know too much, except when discussing a raise.
Scenario #2: Parking tickets.
If you know you will be parked for more than five or so hours at a paid parking zone, and you are in the downtown core of a big city (a la Toronto), there is no need to pay at all. In general, parking ticket officers will simply peek at your dashboard and walk away if they see a piece of paper right side up. This is assuming you aren’t breaking any other laws such as parking in front of a fire hydrant or blocking a grandmother’s driveway. I recommend placing your favourite comic strip right side up, rotated sideways for maximum success. Once again, inactivity triumphs the active one, as the cumulation of all parking tickets will never be as expensive as paying for parking for many many hours.
Conclusion: Proceeds from parking ticket savings can be donated to the Value Nation of Kazakhstan.
I randomly messaged a whole bunch of people asking them what their dream job is. I do this stuff all the time, except this time around, I asked a question which is safe enough to publish such that it results in no embarrassment if a future employer were to stumble upon this piece of fine writing.
The responses are sorted by a criterion I choose not to mention. Precautions like these protect your kids and disinfect the internet in general. Names have been obfuscated in cases where I received “donations” and/or “services”. I have minimized references to hamsters in order to protect the species against alcohol abuse.
I would also like to add the fact that these statements have been quoted in their vanilla, unmodified form. Spelling and grammar Nazis, rejoice! Today is your day.
Random Girl:
ohh lol i dont know…
No one knows what job they want to do. But everyone knows one thing: it’s all about the money.
Random Girl:
hmmmmmmm…. to be a stripper.. lol
ummm.. let me think for a sec
my dream job would be a vet .. i love animals
but a specialist ..they make more money ..lol
This was an interesting response. First, she considers being a stripper which would mean 100-200 bucks an hour from the dripping and salivating customers. Then, she reconsiders, and settles for a vet which will also give you the same money, but requires you to serve dripping and salivating dogs. Good compromise, I say.
Random Guy:
nhl player i guess.. if i was a different person or i think a very high executve, CTO type thing for an awesome tech firm
Fairly similar choices there; Surely, a coin toss would solve this in a jiffy.
Random Girl:
ummm….educating children about environmental issues
actually, not just kids, adults too. too many ignorant people out there. it’s not that they don’t care, they just don’t know any better.
Environmentally friendly girl. Tress hug her as she drives by. We got enough people like that. No, really, look at all the people using their hamsters to generate power for their LEDs, and all those e-books! Surely, someone cares about clean power and paper wastage.
Random Guy:
working with people who are anxious sunday nights, love monday mornings, and are sad to leave friday night
At first, this sounds like he wants to be a drug dealer. But wait! He clarifies:
i dunno….something where i’m helping people do something meaningful…
Charity guy. This planet needs people like that. You have my hamster’s unconditional and unrequited support! He will generate power for all your LEDs.
Random Girl:
I wish I knew. I used to think I knew, but then I realised I didn’t, so now I’m trying to decide again. It’s kind of scary. What’s yours?
In the book 1984, they called this phenomenon, “double-think”. I will extend that idea to incorporate a new term into the English language (US only; Brits are unaffected because they’re too busy watching Top Gear and reading Harry Potter): con·fuzzled-doubled: ( cun-fuzzled dub-ulled) adj.
Being a Liberal Arts major
You think you knew, but you don’t: a confuzzled-doubled guy.
You think you knew what you thought you knew, but forgot to write it down, and realized that you need to know more than what you previously knew to make your life better: He is confuzzled-doubled.
As for my dream job? I am not answering.
Random Guy:
Something artsy. Like visual artsy.
I clarified what he meant by, “visual artsy”. My first guess was, he wants a job where you stare at paintings all day. He responded, “Not quite.” I’m not even going to go there.
Random Guy:
Him: selfemployment, living off interest.
Me: So basically, doing nothing?
Him: there are more strategic ways of saying it, but you can say that.
Ah, someone wants the best job on this planet: doing nothing! I was expecting more answers along these lines, but people watch too much TV anyway and figured more TV is bad for your health, your hamster, and the internet in general.
Random Guy:
CEO of a big corporation
This guy wants to be a CEO. The previous guy wants to be a CTO. One works for the other, then they swap positions and make the hamster turn the wheel the other way.
Random Guy:
someplace where my thoughts an ideas can be taken and playes with and produced something. like a designer. a well paid one.
Another one these artsy guys. Go away! We have too many of you photographing scantily clad ladies and publishing those photos in magazines. I need a job like that, so please stop competing.
Conclusions? Everyone wants money and everyone wants to be higher up to boss others around. I never claimed the results of this survey were going to be profound and worth publishing on the Discovery Channel.
I feel these pictures justify my emotions better than a rusty screw driver drilled through the spleen of the chimp sending me such advertising ever could:
1. First up, is the fantastic Lavalife advertisement that adorns almost every conversation one could have using the bloated 27 MB program they call “Windows Live Messenger” which is basically a gaming station, with the ability to upload profiles, read your news, and check the latest prices of your stocks. Oh, and you can chat with it too.
At first glance, 50% of the population wouldn’t find anything wrong with this. Except, I belong to the other 50% and find it very disturbing that the only way for me to hook up online is by finding a single guy. Besides, how exactly is that good news? More single men than anyone else in Canada only means more competition. It’ll even deter the ladies away from this; who wants a bunch of desperate slobbering idiots sending them “woos” and “nudges” every two seconds?
2. They say the power of persistence and focus can trump even the fastest cars and a jet fighter, combined. But look at this, in order to get me to shop “on them”, I receive exactly eight messages from Shopping Time. These emails are identical, right down to the fingerprint of the chimp who typed it all up.
And the madness doesn’t stop there. This was looking worse than my worst nightmare when I hit the next page link…
There it is! Seven more times. Apparently, research has shown that sending 15 emails will grant you whatever you want in life, tax free.
On careful observation, it can also be seen that the infamous Bank of China has sent me a message too! So basically, these spammers are suggesting (in order): I take a loan from the Bank of China, shop on the “Shopping Time” website because they’ve asked me to 15 times over, and then, “change the way I spend my money”. Which is conveniently followed by a warning by Luella Poole. Finally, spam that makes sense.
MathNews is what you get when your goal in life is to type up as much random crap as you possibly can in a span of week and use a colourful title page as garnish.
MathNews has to be one of the worst collection of nonsense in existence. It is produced by credible editors such as “MastHead”, “SheepSkin”, and “Pi”, and distributed in the concrete prison they call “MC”. Not in math at UW? Me neither. I’ve gone through several since I always conduct some research before spewing out hatred. My complaints with MathNews include:
Fillers! There are fillers everywhere. Most common way to fill up white space is by using the word “filler!”. Way to go, you creative zealots. What’s wrong with some white space?
Then there’s “Prof Quotes”, which wouldn’t be so bad if the profs were actually funny. I visualize hundreds of geeks hunched over going “LOL” in their heads after reading ‘hilarious’ quotes such as:
“If you know everything, then don’t show up.” – Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious.
“Don’t you guys watch the home and garden network?” – No, we don’t, you moron.
“This formula is pretty cool as far as math formulas go.” – This is a ‘Ny’ quote. For you mathies, it’s Funny – Fun = Ny.
Next up, is “HorrorScopes”. This is basically a mathematical take on Astrology. This section defies any rational description. Predictions are pulled out of cookie jar and scrambled until they make less sense than they originally did. This section is what you get when someone like Einstein mumbles in his sleep about how everyone is going to have awesome parties and sucky exams.
Lastly and leastly, it is the “House of Nerds”. Once upon a time, there was a little house filled with math nerds. Occasionally, they would interact with each other by saying, “Hi!”, or by simply reciting the first few thousand digits of pi as a form of respect. Then one guy decides to sketch these insignificant, mind numbingly boring tragedies. Viola! The House of Nerds.
And as always, every publication comes with a bonus unsolveable gridword, incomprehensible poetry, and comics where the artwork looks like it was pissed by dogs on snow. You put all of this together and hit the print button to get MathNews. Enough said.
Sometimes, I get really bored in class and start talking out aloud:
“Damn, there isn’t a cooking club on campus.”
To which, one the smartest guys in my class responds,
“Why not start your own?”
So here’s the plan: Starting Fall 2006, the UW Cooking Club focuses on people’s experiences, ideas, and just pure fun. Meetings will be held once every two weeks and a typical meeting would involve sampling non-poisoned foods brought in by the members. I’ll set up a forum so people can post discussions and personal ads.
The goal is to attract people who have a remote interest in cooking and are sick of eating out all the time. These are the individuals who are currently glued to their chairs spending way too many hours online checking out delicious recipes.
Every meeting will have a theme – salads, soups, desserts, healthy snacks, breakfast, sandwiches, drinks, etc. Primary focus will be on eating healthy, secondary focus on trying new foods.
There will be a cool wall. There will be speeches. And lots of cucumbers and celery because they represent versatility and blandness, respectively.
I also want to get a domain registered (uwcooking.ca – don’t even think about using it for anything else) and want to get my hands on a dedicated server capable of handling billions of users with a cluster of 10×100 GB pipes. Any affordable suggestions are appreciated.
The official logo, which is in it’s alpha phase, can be found here.
Sometimes, I fell the compulsion to pick up the phone and dial 1-888-ROGERS-1. This happens when our internet or the cable TV service is down, which is pretty much every other day.
Unlike the previous switchboard system where you could simply key in 1-1-2-5 to get to the English speaking customer service representative for Rogers High-Speed Internet, I am expected to get my voice recognized by the retarded unnamed automated assistant (RUAA). Here’s how a typical conversation goes between me and the RUAA:
Welcome to Rogers, pour service en francais, francais. For service in any other language, please press the square root of pi in order to bring up the available list of languages.
So, how can I help you today? You can say things like High Speed Internet, Cable TV, Back Pain, Sore Throat, or A Leaking Bladder.
“Cable TV”
Okay, so now we’re at the cable TV main menu. What can I do for you today? You can say things like: billing, payments, DNA samples, terrorism, or simply yell into the phone with an accent and a representative will get to you immediately!
“Billing and Payments”
In order to proceed, I am going to need your phone number.
“5-1-9…”
Please hold, and a representative will be with you shortly.
Five minutes later,
Thank you for continuing to hold, we apologize for the delay, please hold and someone will return from their coffee break to assist you.
They put me on hold for over 20 minutes. That’s only on a good day, you know, a day when the sun rises at 6 am and there’s absolutely no rain, no clouds, no stabbings, and no one jumps off a building. While they make me wait, they play some “music” to help keep my mind occupied. “Music” is a bit of misnomer here, because the best way to describe the gibberish I hear out of the ear piece is some 70s or 80s pop nonsense that sounds like the sound track to a game of pong. I feel like I’m being served with Stupid, with a side order of Insanity and a bonus Test of Patience. Way too many beeps. I’ve been more impressed by kittens jumping around on a piano after being awakened by the sound of a sledgehammer drilling into my phone.
What’s even more annoying is that after the pong music played on loop, you get to a representative who then asks, “Could I please get your phone number so I could pull up your profile?”
But I already yelled it in! The RUAA recognized every digit of it! Don’t you trust him? I whine and I say the number anyway, “5-1-9…”
Obviously, the first representative I get to speak to is incompetent because all he asks you to do is make sure everything is plugged in and switched on. I call it the sanity test, which I’ve yet to fail. Five minutes later, “Please wait while I transfer you to another agent who will be more than happy to assist you”.
The other agent always seem to have some understanding of what is going on. This is where I read out the printed list of complaints, in multiple 8-hour shifts. A few weeks later, the agent’s ears are bleeding and I have a sip of water to lubricate my dry throat. They calm my nerves by giving me a discount and acknowledging the fact that the service does have a few “issues”, which they are constantly working on.
Yelling seems to work pretty well. It gets you prompt service and discounts. Not to mention, you are treated with respect and are looked upon as a person with class. Not yelling at the service is selling yourself short. That’s key here, don’t yell at the representatives because they can do dangerous things such as sign you up for a beastiality subscription that costs $99/month. The key is to yell at the service being offered. The internet is crap. The TV cable is crap. The splitters installed in my room are crap. I don’t like the stickers on my cable modem. Etcetera. But you representatives are the best, you should be knighted.
You follow those rules and you get quick turnaround times. There have been at least two instances when I called Rogers on a Saturday night just to have a guy sent out the following afternoon on a Sunday. Remember, yelling is an art, and you can only learn it from me.
3A has come to an end. In retrospect, it feels like I would’ve endured much less pain by being a drunk matador who not only wears red clothes, but also dyes his hair red.
1. Thermodynamics and Heat Transfer
So we learnt that when CSI arrives at a crime scene, they model the dead human body as a cylinder of water. Then we had to assume that properties were independent of direction or location. Then we had to assume that since the magic number (Biot number) is less than 0.1, we can do some random calculations that spit out the number of seconds the person might have been dead for. We also learnt that sometimes, the magic number is greater than 0.1 and in that case, we assume it’s 0.1 and proceed with the calculations anyway. And then we learn to assume that our answer is not off by more than 50% and go back and confirm our assumptions. None of it makes sense because by the time the calculations are done, the body would have been dead for an extra few hours and the killers would be sipping martinis in Jamaica.
So many assumptions, so little understanding. This course is worst course they could ever shove down our throat and it doesn’t deserve to be learnt by anyone on this planet.
Overall grade: Biot number of 0.1
2. Systems Models I
As soon as you have a prof who’s named “Savage”, watch out. Forget about the Linear graph theory and state equations we learnt all term, the most challenging part of this course were the DEFINITIONS. It didn’t matter what students did: clone the textbook, make up their own stuff, be brief, or write a paragraph. For any effort put in, the assigned mark was a big ZERO. Only those who stapled $100 bills to their cover page and included half a litre of blood were assigned a 1, randomly. To top it off, the “text” was written by the same prof and I use the term “text” very loosely because it could very well be confused with the HTS (Handbook To Insanity).
Overall grade: fundamental cutset equation #7
3. Kinematics and Dynamics of Machines
I’m pretty sure I never heard this prof say a coherent sentence without stumbling and stuttering. It was almost like listening to English, that is almost English, but not quite English. Concepts learnt in this course: The graphical method of solving force vectors was so painful and messy, a typical solution looked like a side view of a beheaded porcupine. Most of the course focused on 4-bar mechanisms with absolutely no emphasis on design of mechanisms. Then there were some concepts on a bunch of rotating masses going bananas and how we can bring them in static and dynamic balance by adding more masses, something I didn’t quite bother learning. And finally, how to sketch cubics accurately on graph paper.
Overall grade: -2 degrees of freedom
4. Microprocessor Systems and Interfacing
This course totally redefined low-level understanding of bits and bytes that keep computers running. To summarize: every computer on this planet is based on clocks which allow computers to synchronize data and make sounds. Synchronization can a pain and hence, it is easier to train monkeys to send data back and forth. There were countless timing diagrams, sequential diagrams, and formulas to memorize (which we were not tested on, thankfully) for every bloody chore a computer performs including arbitration, DMA, and downloading porn.
The only course that made sense because I didn’t do as poorly as I did in the rest of them. What we learnt: transformers are the basis of life, if they weren’t around, we’d still be using laptops by candlelight and watching TV on a diesel powered generator with a hand crank for manual recharging and physical stimulation.
Overall grade: 640/120 V Transformer.
Three more study terms to go. If this trend continues, I will distribute flyers that promote Psychology, Sexuality studies, and MADB (Mothers Against Drinking Beer).
Ellie writes an advice column for “Life” section of the Toronto Star, which is fairly inappropriate because it clearly belongs in the humour section.
Here’s what the Star’s website has to say about Ellie, “Ellie brings a unique voice – smart, funny, compassionate and practical – to the advice scene, combining insight and life experience with solid research skills and information on local resources.”
It doesn’t matter how I stumbled upon that website. After reading that, I just had to verify how unique she really is.
First thing I notice is that she generally recommends counselling for almost everyone who writes to her. I mean, counselling is pretty cool. You get to sit around and rant about your life and a paid professional has to smile and nod and pay attention. Seems like a pretty depressing career though, you get to work and little kids, students, adults, horses, and chickens have you booked through the entire day so they can speak their mind out about the bully, the exams, the abnormal significant other, obese riders, and missing eggs.
Don’t get me wrong, I know it does help those who need it. But it’s so much fun to look at things from an outside perspective when you don’t need it. “Oh! Look at that guy sulking listening to his iPod! Must be on his way to Needles Hall.”
Back on topic, I had to collect samples in order to prove my point. So I spent a few hours reading up on all posted articles (which was generously compensated by an employer who refuses to be mentioned).
Here are some of my observations presented in a condensed QA format:
Q: Ellie, what’s the most efficient way to commit suicide?
A: Just like internal combustion engines, a suicide attempt can never be more than 40% efficient. Don’t bother, get some counselling instead. Check your local yellow pages.
Q: Ellie, I got married. He’s wonderful. But his uncle…
A: Shit like that happens all the time. Get some counselling to get tips on how to send a thank you note and deal with such unfortunate incidents in the future.
Q: Ellie, my boss never shows up to work, never answers his phone and email, and…
A: In life, communication is key. Get some counselling in order to analyze what your feelings of resentment represent.
Q: Ellie, my husband of 16 years has never cheated on me. But I still fear he’s going to sleep with someone else!
A: Jealousy is healthy in a relationship. You have all right to monitor the movements of your husband and hire a private investigator. “Seeing a counsellor is wise.”
Q: Ellie, I got pimples and no girl will date me.
A: Counselling can you help you discover the beautiful you.
Walking around hallways in Engineering can get interesting when you see a black poster with a random helical shape that is supposed to look like DNA sample accompanied by two lines at the bottom right corner in ten point font saying: “Code Faster”. I seriously contemplated scribbling an arrow pointing to the poster saying, “Call, for a good time: 519-888-4567 x3100″.
For those who don’t know, that gets you straight to UW parking services.
Anyway, this was about Apple’s Information Seminar that happened last term in the Spring. Not sure how much of a good time one can have at an information seminar, but I decided to check it out anyway. Besides, they were raffling out an iPod and who doesn’t want a free iPod you can eBay for beer money?
DC Fishbowl: As soon as I walk in, I’m greeted by people dressed in black adorned with phony smiles (the ones that look like they had pickles inserted up their ass which were never removed during the duration of the seminar, not until I left anyway). I sit down and wait. People who even remotely pay attention to me will know at least one thing about me: I’m always late. It’s almost like my life is offset by about five to ten minutes. That discussion will be continued in a later session.
Twenty minutes later (so they are twenty five minutes late), a blaring video is played that showcases how cool Apple and it’s products are. Then, an annoying buzz is heard from the laptop that was proudly amplified in the room. I can only guess what everyone was thinking: Apple thinks different.
They spend an hour and a half trying to get two points across: Apple is currently one of the most profitable companies in the computer industry and that Apple only hires cool guys and hot chicks. Then there was the QA session where exactly one person asked one question. Then they started handing out a free song coupon for the iTunes music store and suddenly, everyone and their laptop had something to ask. By the end, they handed out the coupons to everyone so we all practice safe downloading of music (almost felt like a sexuality studies seminar complete with condoms stapled to brochures on safe sex with the “Don’t steal sex” comment at the bottom of the fine print).
The main presenter (I forget his designation) seemed so happy about Apple, I was wondering if it was just the medium cup of Tim Hortons coffee that he was high on. Or the hope of scoring with one of the hot chicks. Regardless, he didn’t like it when someone pointed out the buzzing laptop and the fact that employees typically put in 80 hour work weeks. All he could say was, those work hours are necessary because iPods need to look cooler and it allows for more innovative products for everyone (iPod socks, remember those? Still retailing for $39).
Two and a half hours later, I got out wondering why I chose to spend my time in DC as opposed to, you know, doing something that makes me think I’m cooler than that. They were handing out the black posters, so I took one just so I could take a picture and show it to the whole world what a waste of black ink it is. Are you a PC? Are you a Mac? No, you’re just a snob.
So today marks the last day of lectures. I simply cannot describe how treacherous this term has been, so in order to speak facts and cut to the chase, I’d like to describe all the bullshit material we’ve covered since the second week of September. I’ve also rated the courses A-F because it’s only fair that I get to rate the courses when they get to rate me.
1. Advanced Calculus. Prof: B.B (Bitchy Bitch)
This course gives a whole new meaning to the word “advanced”. I think the course would be more appropriately titled, “the INFERNO”. Every time I walked into the lecture hall, I felt like I’d missed an entire semester of calculus. Forget the basic differentiation they show us in high school, we did complex stuff around here. And I mean totally complex – complex differentiation, complex integration, complex line integrals; and all that was in the last two lectures only. What we did before is conveniently forgotten which means I have several hours of reviewing to do for this course. I’ve seen the word complex so many times in the past two lectures, my life has gotten exponentially complex-icated. Complex course for complex people and an extremely complicated prof. Rating: F-
2. Numerical Methods. Prof: A. P (Anti-Perfectionist)
I never really understood the point of this course. Every lecture, we learnt a million ways to solve life’s everyday problems – such as evaluating matrices and approximating curves. Every line the prof wrote down, there was an error. We never calculated that error because whatever the prof wrote down could not be expressed numerically. I think I must’ve gone through six million erasers for this course. We also had this exciting project that expected us to simulate a bouncing ball; the project was so useless, I didn’t even bother backing up the damn code and taking a screenshot to post it right here for everyone to appreciate the “ball that bounces after being programmed for 14.5 hours.”
Sadly, the ball does bounce around the “room” and does some pretty crazy things – if I ever made a video game with this concept, it’d be called “Bouncy Pool” and it would feature your favourite pool super-stars on acid and ’shrooms. At least the prof finished the course a week before the last day and he has agreed to provide us with a formula sheet for the exam. Also, random references to bicycles and eBay kept an extra 10% of the class awake. Rating: B+
3. Sensors and Instrumentation. Prof: A. V. (Annoying-Voice)
Right from day one I knew her voice was getting on my nerves – she has this permanent fusion of false enthusiasm and comic book guy voice, it just drove me nuts. How the hell can someone talk about designing filters using six million op-amps enthusiastically? Only her, I tell ya. The course wasn’t too bad, but the LABS were insane. I think I put in an average of 10-15 hours per week doing those labs. They never helped with the course material and they were every-fucking-week. The labs were so exciting, here are the few things our “robot” could do:
a. Flash a LED
b. Count
c. Detect a magnet
Worst part was when she wanted to hold a competition where we pitted our robots to do exciting tasks like, “find the bloody magnets”, “follow the line”, “flash a led”, and my personal favourite, “kamikaze target practice”. The TAs were so incompetent in the labs, they all agreed to a common answer to all of my questions, “Uh… I don’t know… ask that guy!”
That robot is so dumb, I can’t think of ways to recycle it without being unfair to the environment. And to top it off, it looks ugly too. In fact, it looks like it was just pulled out of your calculator.
She thought we were finding this fun. She thought we’re having a blast in the competition. Some profs just don’t get it. Rating: Z-
4. Computer Structures and Real-Time Systems. Prof: P.O. (PowerPoint Only).
When you have a course that has such a long title AND the word “computer” in it – turn around and run as fast as you can. Even if there is a volcano erupting and the lava is flowing your way, just run toward the damn thing and hop over it because nothing feels as painful as this. This course was so bizarre, every lecture involved killing children and their parents, using the round-robin algorithm, and ensure all of this was enclosed in an infinite loop. We learnt that CPUs spend most of their time heating rooms. After this course, I respect Microsoft Windows more than ever. I have realized that no matter how many times it crashes and slows down – it must be due to those stupid scheduling and virtual memory handling algorithms. I finally understand why restarting your computer seems to fix so many things. It’s sad that you have to go through three months of theory to figure that out, but nowadays it’s such common knowledge, even Chimps on the help desk recommend you do that.
We had a project in this course which was to design and implement our very own real-time operating system on top of UNIX. It has a few problems, so technically it’s useless as an operating system. Rating: D+
5. Linear Systems and Signals. Prof. G.I. (Genius Intimidator)
Every once in a while, I come across a course which I feel gives me the chance to truly prove my abilities by learning everything from scratch. This was the course that I thought would judge me on my ability to pick up newly introduced concepts on signal processing and signal filtering. It was the course that had the smartest prof we’ve ever had – also the ONLY prof who assigned realistic amounts of work. This course gave me hope and inspiration – it kept me going. Everyone seemed to struggle with the concepts and I thought I knew it all. I could do the homework questions and I knew this course was it – it was my 85+% for the term. It was the course I would consider doing research in.
That was until the day I got my midterm back. To quote the prof, “I spent more time marking each midterm than you guys must’ve spent studying for this.”
This course is the bloody hardest course in all of humanity. Everything is so abstract (i.e. taught in symbols) that I’m surprised we haven’t moved on to Kwazulu and Swahili since we’ve almost exhausted the entire Greek alphabet. At least, I’ll never forget convolution and those Matlab demos. Rating: A-
Since this term has almost come to an end, I can finally hit the “resume” button. The Earth starts spinning, a guy gets stabbed, cows give milk, and chimps send spam – life back to normal.
That concludes my reflections for 2B. Exams should be lots of fun and I can’t wait to get back next term because getting through torturous hell and never giving up makes us all very special.
I usually get about 3-4 spam messages in my GMail inbox and about 600-700 in my Yahoo inbox per week. Since these hard-working citizens of somewhere spend entire days typing up messages in order to earn their “cut”, I have randomly picked some from my spam folders for analysis. I will try to minimize references to chimpanzees as much as possible.
From: Arcelia Rosio <muu18wtp@seanet.com> Subject: YOU SAD BECAUSE HAVING A SMALL-SIZE GUN? GROW BIG NOW Body: goes side disappoint shining. drew the allow, am we window light, again development fly evening or being, use miserable prison friends whom. end principle drew, being human edge again she use. beautiful thats principle? he evening reference. young prison parents beautiful. make use next. night human he letters. miserable letters allow. profession already similar light?
This is one of those that totally baffle me. The first and only thing that comes to my mind after reading this is “WTF?” The message has absolutely no context and the body seems like it was written by some retarded chimpanzee attending kindergarten.
From: “Casey Gregg”jei@mail.ru Subject: Re: Invoice # 42517D Body: burdock a buried be be miles it’s may atone ! some grandiose ! it’s city see or antarctica it see junta somebe adams the. or caine , be innocent see in blowfish may it’s electrophorus ! the grout the in amulet a some corrigendum somemay journal some. No, so its here
Another other one of those retarded chimpanzees. This guy looks like he gets a Z- on his report card for organization. His subject line says “Invoice” but the body seems like the most exotic Haiku ever written.
From: “expectsuccess@hotmail.com“expectsuccess@hotmail.com Subject: Re: Hi Body: Update on the program! Things are exploding! I can’t believe how fast this is building. People are coming in faster than we can get them in! What a great problem to have!!! … Work with the Top Couple in the Industry. Let us help get you into success for your family now.DON’T MISS THIS ONE! We are RED HOT and ROLLING RIGHT NOW!!! To your success, Quincy and Tamaran
This email was so long, it seemed like it was composed by an entire army of chimpanzees while they were doing overtime. Seeing those names, “Quincy and Tamaran” set off my bullshit detectors. “People are coming in faster than we can get them in! What a great problem to have!!!” Since when is this problem great? If I get random people coming into my house I wouldn’t exactly call that “great problem to have.” Most retarded statement ever. Coming from chimpanzees, it’s not that surprising.
From: “Banana Deals”ss@ytcoffers.com Subject: Give Love a Chance Body: Are you Looking for Someone Special?Click Here Now: Give Love a Chance. Join the 1,800,000 new members waiting to meet you! Come and Find them! Click Here Now:
Why the hell would anyone sign up for a dating service called “Banana Deals”? How cool does it sound to tell all your friends, “We met on Banana Deals!!” Only a chimpanzee would be proud of that. And why exactly would 1,800,000 members wait around to meet me? Can’t they pair up between themselves? Don’t these losers have somewhere else to go? Why does this service assume I don’t mind dating men or women? This email is what I call a marketing tragedy.
From: “Michelle”info@degtin.com Subject: about Christmas Body: It’s only 10 weeks until Christmas. Yikes!
If you start now, you can make a nice sleighful of cash just in time to give your loved ones a very special holiday this year.
First thought: who the hell plans ahead 10 weeks to buy Christmas gifts?? Isn’t that pushing the expectations a bit? How can someone get all flustered because, oh, there are TEN weeks left? Give me a break, takes a week or so to go shopping for everyone you know unless your friends list contains the names, “chimpanzee 36″ and “that cute chimp at the zoo!! lol lol”.
From: “Motorola iTunes”Linda235@ezemails.info Subject: DO YOU WANT A FREE IPOD CELL PHONE ???? Body: Get your free Motorola itunes cell phone! Just type in your zip code!
Only chimpanzees would hope that typing in their zip code in some random textbox hosted on a website underwater would earn them a free cell phone for their effort. What the hell would they do with the zip codes anyway? Oh right, get chimpanzees to toss (“deliver”) their presents to you. For some reason only breast enlargement coupons get to you. Various DNA samples are required for the free cell phone offer (in addition to your address, phone number, etc.) Newsflash: No one will ever deliver a free cell phone even if you’re a chimp.
This chimpanzee has the most obscure eye defect I have ever come across in my life. Can’t even find ONE key on the keyboard. I believe that a picture truly justifies my thoughts:
From: “Paul Drummond”mail@builditsolid.com Subject: rantdepot2, this is Paul, I have put 54 people below you! Body: * Are you sick of getting SPAM AND VIRUSES?
* Do you like sending email?
* Do you like making money?
* Do you want to earn up to $20,000 per week?
* Would you like all your emails to be sent with SSL security?
This chimpanzee suffers from the double-think syndrome which only affects 99.9% of all chimpanzees on the planet. Firstly, the email claims that “Are you sick of spam? If so, we’ll get you a secure email account.” Looking closely, you realize that the email account being offered is meant to send OUT spam securely. Smart chimp. Must be a straight A student.
From: “ThirtyPlusSingles”offers@emailworkz.biz Subject: Are you over 30 and single? Let us match you. Body: Over 30? Meet your match! This offer is not for 20 somethings!
If you are over 30 and single and you are looking to find a ‘match’ online, I swear you have some serious issues with the hair gel you use and your teeth. I say steal a new car, sell it to buy some new clothes (you never want to get caught with stolen money, but technically money obtained by selling the car is yours – Ethics 101), get a gym membership, adopt a dog, and join Toastmasters to sharpen your public speaking skills. If this process takes more than 10 years, take Maddox’s advice and commit suicide. Alternatively, frequent bars and pubs within a 10km radius to meet someone. If those girls aren’t your type, no one is, and I strongly recommend you declare yourself null and void: you’ve officially given up on life and need to join your local church.
That ends my analysis. Repeatedly clicking on the “Empty Spam” link makes me wonder how long my left-mouse button will last.
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