mY reSume

PRogram: Englishneering

ID #: seven

Student Address
Sometimes SLC, sometimes Timmy’s
Wherever there’s no security garde

Permanent Address
my desk.

SKILLS SUMMARY

Computer
• Left click
• Right click
• Middle click
• Scroll wheel
• Deletation button
• I-pods
• Speel check

Engineering
• the ruler
• google.com
• drinking beer

Interpersonal/Management
• punch peoples all the time
• dogs and walking them when they don’t want to walk
• get information, mafia, black suits, drive limousine, etc.
breaking guitars
• can opener and stapler

WORK EXPERIENCE

Timmy Ho’s – the REAL COFFEE COMPLAINT CENTRE
• No one lives in Saskatchewan!!! Haha, job is ezzy
• But sometimes, peoples from Ontario calling sayin’ coffee is too hot!!! – I tell them ‘you fools, add ice!!!’ lol!
• They called back saying I’m RUDE! So I hang up and call up customer service in ontario!!!
• Got fired in 2 days – personal record

Durex Inc. – Quality Control
• Tried to test condom on secretary, she filed charges for sexual harrassement!
• Condoms do not make good parachutes
• One customer dropped baby off as complaint. I put him in blue box for recycling.
• Got fired in 3 days – they know not how to see talent where there is none!!

CD Packing Corporation – Packer
• Packaged broken CDs into boxes!!!!
• CDs weren’t really broken, I kept breaking them because of shooting practice! birds are expensive so i do enviro friendly way of practicing how to shoot birds before I actually shoot and waste one!
• Never got fired!! Company shut down!!!!!!

Programmers Inc. – Senior Programmer
• answered phone calls

Canada Post – Delivery Guy
• packaged my manager and xpressposted him to head office
• drove around town in my underwear listening to THE BEACH BOYS

EDUCATION

University of Waterloo – Waterloo, Ontario
• Plz contact me next year and I will have this section filled out completely.

Some high school – Toronto, Ontario
• Failed grade 9 two times!!!
• Failed grade 10 six times!!
• Failed grade 11 nine times!!!
• Never failed grade 12!!! (I walk into exam with squirrel hotdogs and get passed unconditionally).

VOLUNTEER EXPERIENCE

Toronto’s Aerospace Museum – Toronto, Ontario
• i tried flying one of da planes – pieces of crap don’t work man!! don’t waste your money, stupid museum
• These peoples hired me becoz they were runnin out of space to put shit
• So I started moving all the planes and puttin them on 401 westbound off the ramp to yonge st north
• also: broke glass, flushed bolts down toilet, and repainted roof as toronto maple leafs blue
• but then some supervisor spraying GO SENS GO on my blue roof. i quit immediately.

Another high school in Toronto
• told chilrdren to go home, forget about school, play XBOX and eat potato chips!!! keep partying because life is too short!
• gave out condoms stapled to ‘how to have great sex’ brouchure. chilrdren are fun man – I want to see more of them on this planet!! someone needs to take out my garbage , right?
• voted best tutor – twice! i got photos man – “best of the worst award gold medal” with laminated certificate signed by the governer general! he got heart attack after I mail him a stapled condom with brouchure on how to have great sex

ACTIVITIES AND INTERESTS

• Honking
• swedish rodeo
• action figures
• squirrel hotdogs